Hecksing
by Vente
Summary: Dedicated to my Friends Curtis AKA Psyco-Gotenks, Colin, And Dillian for there hours of funny stuff Thanks Guys!
1. Order 14 Trainers Call

Ive Decided to write a spoof just so much funny stuff in my mind and im going to pulls a psyco-Gotenks!

It has been 3 months since Integra was sent to jail. She is being driven home by Walter. "Walter focus on the road not your pornographic magazine." says Integra. Walter swerves to the left side of the road. "Sorry Integra but Carmen Electra is the pull out poster this month and I couldn't wait." says Walter. "Just get me home safe I cant wait to have my homecoming Slumber party." says Integra happily. They arrive there is a huge party for Integra with disco dancing and those little hot dogs on a stick! "Oh I hope I get invited to the slumber party!" says Seras. She adjust her boobs. "I think they shrunk?" says Seras again. She looks to Ferguson (Think that's how you spell it.) who randomly appears who everybody thought was dead… Thru perfectly good story back line…ing… stuff… Ok so I don't got shit just play along. "Ferguson do my boobs looks smaller then usual?" says Seras. Ferguson looks. Silence… "Oh damn bitch! They got bigger Ho!" says Ferguson who is in his Mid Life Crisis. Integra hands Seras a invitation to her slumber party. Seras screams in glee. She runs to her room to get ready. Meanwhile 3 teenagers stand next to each other. "This isn't Right how could you beat me in the DBZ card game?" says a black kid. "Simple its my fan fic." I say to the kid. "You cockbite!" says the black guy. "Look Darren chicken!" I say. Darren scarf down the chicken.

Seras puts on her pajamas and gets a sleeping bag. She gets some of her magazines and some Make-Up. Meanwhile Walter helps set up the room for Integra's sleep over. "Oh Walter how much fun were going to play spin the bottle and pin the tail on the donkey!" says Integra dancing. She looks and sees Walter is not paying attention. "Stop reading that Magazine!" says Integra. Walter hides the Magazine. "I have no idea what you mean Sir. Integra." says Walter. "Stop calling me sir… I wanna be called Princess Integra." says Integra her eyes get super Chibi Cute. Walter looks at her. "Yes Princess Integra." says Walter. Walter sweat drops.

A few hours later everybody arrives. Some random girls and Seras. Seras and Integra talk about how hot Alucard is and the Writer of this fan fic is so sexy his hair his eyes and… Sorry got caught up in the moment LOL. "So what do you want to do?" says Seras. Integra grins. "Lets play truth or dare!" says Integra. Suddenly the room gets really hot. "Wow that was weird." says Seras. All the girls take there clothes off and are in just there underwear. Walter has a secret camera rigged in the room. He looks at them from the inside of his secret tree fortress as the front of his pants get bigger and bigger. "My god this is better then Integra's Shower camera." says Walter. Walter keeps watching.

Alucard sits in his room alone as usual. Not much of a After life he has. He looks at his bed. "Im so bored I want to become a Pokemon trainer!" says Alucard. Alucard leaves and goes to Professor oaks lab. "Oh what might you be here for good sir!" says Oak. "I want to become a pokemon trainer." says Alucard. Oak nods and smiles. "What's your name and how old are you." says Oak. "Alucard im 217 years old." says Alucard. Oak sweat drops. "Well any way let me get your pokemon." says Oak. Alucard wait's a few moments and is handed his first pokemon!

Walter watches the camera. "Well just ruined these pants." says Walter. Walter changes his pants and starts to play around with his Sliver Weaponry Thingies. He twirls them around and starts to smack people on the street. "Ah what was that!" says the man. Walter keeps messing around. "Stop it!" says the voice. "Lets play spin the bottle!" says Integra. Walter turns his attention to the TV from what he just heard form the speakers. He cuts the head off the person he was messing with but had no idea he did.

"Pichu!" says The little pokemon. Alucard looks at the little rat in Oak's Arms. Alucard grabs it and hugs it tightly. "It so cute!" says Alucard. Pichu electrocutes him. Alucard drains the blood from the little creature. Pichu looks at Alucard. Pichu grins showing its Vampire fangs. Alucard whistles "Nice.". Pichu and Alucard set out on an Adventure! On there way the come across 2 stoners the stumble upon a Oddish. "What! I thought I smoked you!" says the stoner in a panic. The stoner runs away screaming. Alucard looks to Pichu. "Hey you a Pokemon trainer!?" Says a voice. Alucard turns around.

Dda da dadada da da da adadadadaa opps sorry bad battle music.

Alucard sent out pichu. The opponet sounds out Jigglypuff. Pichu eats the little Jigglypuff alive. Pichu looks to its master. "Not bad." says Alucard. Pichu just smiles. Pichu hiccups and spits out a eyeball. Alucard laughs.

Integra spins the bottle. It points to Seras. Seras and Integra blush bright red. Walter looks at the screen and waits. More and more anticipation. Integra and Seras touch there lips and kiss for a full 10 seconds. Walter burst like a Balloon. No like a Balloon. He deflates and flys all across his secret club house. Finally he stops he lays on the ground. Seras and Integra take there lips off. The other girls giggle. Soon all the girls get tired. They falls asleep. Walter sighs as he day comes to an end.

Meanwhile Alucard walked thru Virridian forest. "So does the Vampire want to become a pokemon master?" says a Familiar voice. Alucard turns around to see Anderson. Anderson sends out his Pokemon Scyther! Alucard sends in Pichu.

And that's where my chapter ends Stay toon next time!

Will Alucard be beat!

Will Integra wet the bed at the slumber party!

Will my sexyness ever stop!… Sorry uh… Moment again.


	2. Order 15 Golfer's Hell Spawn

The battle raged on as Scyther attacking Pikachu. "Pikachu use your Thunderbolt!" yelled Alucard. "PIIIIIIIIIIIIKACHU!!!" yelled the little rat. SCHING! Plunk… Pikachu's head fell off. Scyther and Alexander did the exact same Evil laugh. "SCY! THER THER THER THER!" laughed the pokemon. Alexander laughed as well. Alucard just frowned… Then he drew his gun and shot the Pokemon. "I win!" yelled Alucard. Alexander just frowned. "Your not fun vampire?" said Alexander. Alucard just grinned and disappeared. Integral or Princess Integral woke up early in the morning. She put on her glasses to see everybody was gone except Seras who was sleeping soundly. Integral got dressed and fixed her hair. She thought and decided to head to a Kegger tonight. Meanwhile Walter was in his secret club house beating his meat but we will return to that later.

Alucard was laying in his bed thinking of what he wanted to do next. The pokemon trainer thing didn't really work out. So he just pondered. "What now?" thought Alucard as he rubbed his chin… Then it struck him! He would become a professional golfer! Alucard disappeared and reappeared at the Hellsing Manor golf course. He picked up the driver and swung away. Miss. Again… Miss… Again… Miss. "This isn't working…" thought Alucard. "I don't think I can turn it into a vampire ball. It dosent have any blood… But it probably is a virgin… But then again." Alucard thought back to the Video he saw Walter watching on the internet with the girl and the ping pong ball. Alucard kicked that ball aside and got a new one.

"Yes almost there! Just a little bit more! WOOOOOOOO done…" said Walter after beating his meat. Walter wiped the sweat off his for head and pulled up a T-Bone steak. "That was restless my friend you put quite the fight I do belive." said Walter. He marinated it and put it in the fridge. "That will do for Miss Integrals food tonight." said Walter. Integral walked into the kitchen. "You need to get the heater fixed in my room. It went crazy last night." said Integral. Walter tried to hold back a grin and a giggle. "You don't say Princess Integral." said Walter. Integral raised a Eyebrow. "I do say so Walter have it fixed." said Integral with a suspicious look on her face. "What are your intentions tonight Princess Integral." says Walter. "Im going to a Kegger." said Integral. Walter created a thought bubble. "Remember the party last year at the Hellsing Manor Kegger." said Walter pointing ot the thought bubble. "You got so drunk and stoned that you took the Hellsing tank and demolished the 3rd bunker and claimed yourself Queen of the Bunkers." said Walter. The thought bubble popped. Integral thought. That was a wild party. "There are no tanks at this Kegger." said Integral. Walter smiled. "Thank the queen then you best get moving." said Walter as he would now enjoy the steak.

We rejoin Alucard at the putting range he had already gone thru over 20 shots and still had not got it in the hole. Alucard looked to the left. Then the right he picked up the putter and stared at it. "Releasing putter control restriction systems to level 2... Situation C hold seal until target has been put in the hole…" said Alucard. Alucard took a hit and got it right in the hole. Then a Gopher popped out and knocked the ball out of the way and Alucard missed the shot. The little Gopher laughed and went back in his hole. Alucard unleashed his dog familiar on the little gopher. It ran all across the field destroying The 9 hole golf course. The gopher was to fast for Alucard's familiar to catch. Alucard picked a book that said "Acme." it read. Alucard pointed to something and soon a big truck roared into the area ripping up the golf course again and a big package appeared before his feet. Alucard opened and pulled out a huge rocket.

Meanwhile for Integral at the kegger. Integral was drunk off her ass. "Come on bitch hit me again mother fucker!" she yelled wanting more boozes. She chugged straight from the Keg as the college kids cheered her on from behind. Integral held up the empty keg in victory. "Sup now bitch!" she yelled in pride slamming it on the ground. "Yo yo yo bitch youd the shit I aint seen no ho take a keg like that." said some random black guy. Integral threw up on the empty keg as the crowd kept cheering she held up her hand and took a hit from a joint. "Who the fuck else wants some of this you motha fuckas!" yelled Integral. "You bitch you can take your keg well but how about this bong bitch." said some random guy. He took one huge hit and passed it to her. He breathed the smoke right in her face. Integral snatched the bong and lit it up. She took one big old big as puff. The crowd cheered. "Toke Toke Toke! Take it to the head take it to the head!" said the random black guy. She breathed the smoke into the air. Her eyes were completely blood shot. She handed the guy his bong. "Ive smoked the shit they smoked in Vietnam" said Integral with a finger in the guys face.

Back to Alucard. Alucard lit the rocket and chased the gopher. ZING ZING ZING the rocket flew everywhere. As he pursued the little gopher. Finally the rocket exploded. Alucard stood there in black soot. He glared at the little gopher laughing at him. Alucard just sighed and picked up the Acme book again. He read thru and picked something out. VAROOM! In rolled another truck. It came in and pulled out a huge box with holes. Its rustled about as something inside it. It ate the person who was moving it out. Alucard grinned and opened the box and out came…

Integral was having a casual conversatsion with a few of the college kids. Earlier some of the kids were having a wet T-shirt contest. Integral entered. They wouldn't let her in. Until they found out she was a girl. Integral punched the kid out who made the accusations at she was a man. The kid was by now in the hospital. Integral one by a long shot from the shock of her being a women. She punched out about 3 other kids for saying they were surprised. They were on there way to the hospital. Integral just kept drinking finally Walter had to come to pick her up. When they pulled in Integral was on her usual drunk cussing spree until she was finally put in bed.

A Kitten… It hopped right out of the box and ran away. Alucard had a twitching mark. The Little gopher just laughed. Alucard thought for a moment. "I should of done this farther." said Alucard. Alucard drew the jackal and shot the gopher. It died on the spot. Alucard sighed and looked to see a small plot of land not destroyed with a sign. "Fix your divets." it read. Alucard glared at the sign and looked at the destroyed Field. He growled. "Son of a bitch…" said Alucard…

And that's the end of chapter 2...


End file.
